The Meaning of Wife: A Provocative Look at Women and Marriage in the Twenty-first Century by Anne Kingston
By page 133 I am enlightened. When I started the wedding planning process over a year ago, the web introduced me to the A Practical Wedding book and blog and the courageous writers who reassured me that I wasn't crazy as I experienced first-hand wedding night freak-out, the reality of family relationships and their place in a real life wedding, the ugly truth about budgeting and the grown-up "gimmies" induced by a serious industry...and how sometimes life really gets in the way of expectations.
What I didn't expect was regret. My lover and I had great discussions about what we wanted in the wedding, and what we didn't. But I found myself with a bad case of the what-ifs post-wedding. What if we had abstained from sex for a bit before the wedding...would we have had more explosive sexual chemistry during the honeymoon? What if I'd tried on my mother's wedding dress...just for that bride-in-white framed portrait for the wall? What if my husband and I had reserved a special slow song just for us...just to say we did?
You know you're really married when even in your darkest sex dreams you tell your phantom lover that you have a husband. And sometimes in my dreams being married is a thing. Like dream sex is cheating. The thing of it is...I really never knew monogamy was going to be so tough.
Marriage is my first long-term relationship. Being with hubby is wonderful. Regular sex is wonderful. The idea of having hot, fantasy dream sex with disclosures for the next forty years...not wonderful. I did not expect to struggle with meeting hot, available people and forgoing a session or three of rowdy, uncommitted sex. I mean, I don't miss dating AT ALL. I know of few married folks who do and plenty of single people who hate it enough for all of us.
I wonder sometimes if I have it in me to do this. Don't mistake me, cheating is not what I'm after. I'm not sick of my husband or of marriage...I love us. It's just that sometimes I think I'd love us more if I could, every now and again, love other people. In the biblical sense.
So we totes know someone who was ASKED TO LEAVE an Army Wife support society because she had the balls to defend routine childhood vaccination on their social media page. Here in the MIL we are fortunate to have cradle-to-grave free medical care and caring, well-trained public health professionals looking out for us. That luck doubly extends to pre-natal and well-child care.
The thing about vaccines is that if one person chooses not to vaccinate their child, and every other child is vaccinated, that isn't a big deal until that kid comes in direct contact with German measles. When upwards of lots of kids in that geographic area are unvaccinated then bad things happen to good people. UNICEF, the Centers for Disease Control...they all say the same thing, this:
According to the CDC, one to three out of every 1,000 children in the United States who get measles will die from the disease, even with the best of care. Even if complications such as pneumonia and encephalitis aren't deadly, they can make children very sick; in 2011, nearly 40% of children under the age of 5 who got measles had to be treated in the hospital.
9/13/13 CNN article:"US measles cases in 2013 may be the most in 17 years" by Elizabeth Cohen Won't someone think of the children? Specifically, think of the babies...completely unprotected from measles until they turn 1 year. DO SOMETHING AWSOME. Be a vaccine ambassador and help to protect your community.
Have you ever heard of In Gear Career? Allegedly it is a for MilSpouse by MilSpouse career & professional network. According to the http://www.ingearcareer.org/ website:
In Gear Career’s local chapters allow career-minded military spouses to form powerful social and professional networks. Join us and meet other inspiring spouses and influential community leaders as we gather for professional development and social functions.
More research to be done but for now Team Bravo is impressed with the HomeFront Rising conference concept, which took place in Washington, DC this week. We missed it but welcome the opportunity for more outreach on how to run for office or pursue a political career as a military spouse. This Fayetteville Observer article by Drew Brooks gives more details here.*
*Representative Tammy Duckworth is hardcore. I'm up for hopping a commuter flight to hear her speak any time. #TeamTammy #TammyDuckworth
I'm a socialist in the streets but an anarchist in the sheets.#ActivistPickupLines
HAHAHAHA! Oh, I think I just died I was laughing so hard.
Oh Activist Cupid, you're the non-hierarchical leader of my consensual emotional AND heterosexual (but not narrow) love affair. Don't Camouflage this Love. #ActivistPickupLines
How many times have you seen or heard something like this?
"I'm fairly certain that my friend/neighbor/self may be getting hurt by his/her partner/loved one. I've heard noises/seen bruises/been scared. I'm concerned but I don't want to get involved/call the cops/put myself at risk/be wrong about what's happening. What should I do?"
Comments or posts like this tend to draw a flurry of urgent, firm instructions from well-meaning folks. We're encouraged by the level of responsiveness we've seen, and we hope that offering some education and some advice to our readers will empower some of you to better support your friends, neighbors, loved ones, and selves who are coping with intimate partner violence.
Note: we prefer the term Intimate Partner Violence or IPV over Domestic Violence, because dangerous relationships can occur in any setting- whether the partners live together or not. We also refer to people who have been hurt by loved ones as survivors, not victims.
Here's what you can do:
Know about the resources in your area, and how they work. This may take a bit of legwork- for good reason, many shelters do not have much of a web or social media presence, and do not publish their address. Calling a local or national 800-number for survivors of violence (Such as RAINN) will connect you with counselors who are trained to help identify and locate appropriate resources. Other options include staff at local faith communities, women's organizations such as NOW chapters, or even a liason unit at the police station. It's a good idea to know where to go for help so that you're ready to offer immediate, practical support to someone who needs it.
Educate yourself about IPV. Learn the warning signs and get some info about what you can and cannot do for a person that you're concerned about. Generally, it's much more complicated than "call the cops" or "dump his ass."
Listen. If you're able to do so, listen to the survivor without judging or telling him/her what to do. Supporting a friend who is struggling with ongoing threats or violence can be an incredibly painful experience, and it's tempting to try and jump in to offer solutions or help her problem solve. Don't go in there half-cocked, though- bone up those support skills, first. What would Oprah do? Get informed here.
Get support for yourself. If someone close to you is being hurt, hearing about it or just knowing about it can take an emotional toll. Even a single occasion of hearing your neighbors' intense fighting can be scary or upsetting, and it's worth it to contact an organization or professional in your community to talk about it. Do some self-care like yoga or blogging- before you're so overwhelmed you can't remember to take care of yourself. You will be better able to support your friend if you are well-rested and have your own emotional reserves in check.
Volunteer. Whether you're a survivor, a secondary survivor, or just a concerned (and informed!) community member, you can make a difference in the lives of survivors*. You may want to volunteer as a peer counselor or an advocate for survivors, but there are other levels of involvement that are just as important. You can organize a fundraiser, coordinate a wish-list drive for a local shelter, help stuff envelopes or other admin tasks, or even re-tweet your local organization's messages to help promote events or awareness campaigns.
Hang in there. A lifetime (get it?) of watching tv characters escape violent spouses by jumping into a heroic friend's car in the middle of the night can lead one to believe that IPV is like a house fire- an easily recognizable crisis with an immediate, scripted, effective response. There's no question of whether a fire is a fire, whether it's possible to put it out, whether it's a good idea to put it out or if it would just make things worse, whether the neighbors/family/boss/friends would judge someone for living in a burning building, etc. Surviving violence means making a series of decisions, and having the sense of courage and personal power to make decisions- some of them very scary- and follow through on said decisions. Supporting a friend or loved one who is being hurt means waiting for that to happen- which takes patience, respect, and love.
Note: the information provided in this blog is based on the experiences of the editors and is in no way intended to substitute the support available from legal, health, and social service professionals in your community. If you need help, please contact the folks in your area who are in the best position to provide the assistance you need.
The Red Flag Campaign: information and support from the National Domestic Violence Hotline
MilitaryOneSource: community-specific information, hotlines, and reporting options
*In fact, many organizations are too understaffed to respond to inquiries from potential volunteers, so attending an event or fundraiser, or helping to spread the word about the organization is a good place to start. We do not recommend "just showing up" to be given something to do at the organization's office, and we strongly encourage that you check first to find out what's needed before making an in-kind donation. Demanding a volunteer assignment or dropping off unwanted goods more than likely makes a negative impact by giving their staff an additional job to do. Help them help others by asking what help you can provide first.
Yes. Operational Security. Friend to you, me, our lovers, special forces, politicians and hookers. Not generally for the same reasons but helpful to all nonetheless.
Thing is, facebook is the opposite of operational security. Facebook is the lovechild of the NSA, the DIA, and the internet. FB was the American testbed for facial recognition software and, if you are an honest person, has all your pertinent stats. Where you are from. Who you married and when. Your DOB. Your travel destinations for the past 10 years (if you were an early adopter). Your parents' names, DOB, anniversary, maiden names, and each of your siblings and where they live. It logs your phone number and can connect to your PayPal and bank account.
Which is why announcing on FB that you or your lover is deploying, regardless of where or when, is a bad freaking idea. You, yes you, without any help has just blown operational security to hell.
Consider it this way: your lover goes to Pstan by way of Astan and something happens like s/he/ze invades the wrong country. The brother of that cousin from that place where the invasion took place goes to Alma Mater Univ and sees by way of their housemate that your boo who is identified as being in Marine Recon Unit Y went to Astan a week ago and then took "an unexpected trip. lolz. but all is fine now. WRONG COUNTRY- whoopsies." This dude is pissed bc a drone just took out half his family at a wedding party and now guess what? He knows what you look like. What your whole family looks like. Where you live, where your family/your lover's family lives, and thanks to that helpful FB rant... what that soldier did last week. But more. This dude can get to YOU.
Is that too intellectual a point? How about this one- would you feel comfortable putting a full medical diagnosis for a communicable gynecological issue on FB? Or would you choose to inform close family and friends about that intensely personal journey by phone or in person...someplace your ex or boss or random gal from high school French who stalks you occasionally won't get all the gorey details?
There is a time and a place for sharing. For information that can result in you or your person coming to harm, loosing a job, or being tracked by casual life observers...watch out. Be discreet. And for theb love of Pete don't post on FB the day s/he/ze is deploying.
One of the things I discovered about the US Military in recent years is that it is a convenient training vehicle for hard-core athletes and evangelical Christian militants. We'll discuss the latter another time. Today in the face of the Sochi Russian Olympics and Paralympics, let's keep an eye on the military members of the US Team.
Published on Saturday, February 8, 2014 by Common Dreams
Tens of Thousands in “Mass Moral March”
Pushing back against rightwing legislation
- Common Dreams staff
Tens of thousands of people are marching through downtown Raleigh, North Carolina Saturday in what organizers describe as a “Mass Moral March” to push back against rightwing legislation.
The march, also known as the 'Historic Thousands on Jones Street', or HKonJ, was organized by the NAACP and its NC president, the Rev. William J. Barber. The NAACP and Barber drew national attention last year for organizing the so-called Moral Monday demonstrations to protest “immoral” legislation enacted by the North Carolina Legislature.
The annual HKonJ march takes place the second Saturday of February and has grown over the years since it started in 2007. Organizers claim partnerships with 150 other groups representing teachers, working families, religious leaders and civil rights advocates.
From Kirin Kennedy, NAACP Fellow...
"This Saturday [February 8, 2014], in Raleigh, North Carolina, the local NAACP state conference will be joined by more than 100 coalition partners for a march on Jones Street to the North Carolina State Legislature. This is the 5th year of the march, and since its inception, the Historic Thousands on Jones Street (HKonJ) People’s Assembly serves as a rallying call for change to those with political influence. Whether it is the superintendent of the Wake County School Board, the Governor of North Carolina or other elected officials that work to keep the schools of Wake County, NC integrated, the HKonJ coalition rallies to ensure that citizens are protected equally under the law and that a space is created for good, safe jobs and schools within the state of North Carolina."
This march is a continuation of the Moral Monday protests at the North Carolina State Capitol Building in 2013. For gathering details and more info, check it: http://www.hkonj.com/
Want to go but not by yourself? Let us know who you are below and we'll meet you there.
2013 was the YEAR OF THE WEDDING. And no, we didn't hate our weddings collectively. We did definitely hate 89% of the wedding planning process (sh*t is wack, yo) but the weddings themselves, no! Except...well, except. Execept that some weddings have both highs and lows. And some of us brides end up with icky, bruising stuff happening during the wedding. Stuff that slams us hard down to earth and takes away from the memory and feel of our glowing, joyful ceremonies.
This article by Liz Moorhead at A Practical Wedding Blog is THE most insightful and healing reaction to a fairly taboo subject: experiencing a disappointing joy-suck of a wedding.
My wedding was over a year ago and while I’m thrilled to be finally married to my husband, I can’t get over my disappointment in my actual wedding day. We put so much energy and time into planning everything, and it still hurts to think about the ways that it didn’t go according to plan and the ways people were hurtful. I know that I should just be happy that we got married, and I feel terrible that I can’t just do that. How do I come to grips with the wedding we had not being the wedding we wanted?
Depressed Over Wedding Nightmare
Dear DOWN,
Don’t beat yourself up for this! Of course you’re upset that things didn’t work out as planned. That’s natural. Wedding magic doesn’t always make that go away. Sometimes it just helps to know you’re not alone. Take, for example, this post on not loving your wedding, or this one, and this one over here. There’s a lot of pressure out there to have the correct feelings about your wedding (and other things, too), and sometimes that’s just one more unrealistic expectation. Not feeling a certain specific way about major life events is okay; many people feel all sorts of different emotions. How can we expect every person to feel the same way regarding the really big things, when we rarely can all agree on the little things? (I honestly just don’t get the mustache trend. There. I said it.) Feelings can be complicated, whether we’re talking about weddings or moving in or changing our names or pregnancy. This pressure to have certain reactions devalues and ignores an entire spectrum of very real and very complex human emotion.
First thing? You need to forgive yourself for being disappointed. Then, you need to allow yourself room to do that. Rather than bottling up that emotion or feeling as though you’re not allowed to express it, let it out. Cry about it. Scream about it. Find a good friend who won’t mind listening to you whine about it. You have to give a wound some air in order to let it heal.
I watched the dude ride the escalator down to the waiting lady and I was confused. She held out her empty arms for a long beat, waiting as he rushed down to swoop her up in a huge hug. Why was she waiting at the bottom of the escalator? I've participated in more than one Big Reunion, and couldn't imagine why she'd wait there. Maybe it was a security thing? Oh no wait, I got it- someone's taping this.
Someone selling horrible punishment water beer. Maybe the commercial was going to show how the evil corporation supports our troops by shipping over cases of canned liquid consequences for them to use on the enemy, somehow. I mean no one would expect the men, women, dogs, and tanks dedicated to protecting freedom to actually drink that stuff, right?
Well, it got worse. The commercial turned out to be an entire minute of reunion porn, in which an entire town gets together to throw a big parade and everything just for Lt. Ladd. Which was beautiful and you bet I choked up. I'm not made of wood. And then I saw the red sign with the white letters selling horrible beer. Wait, maybe there's going to be a message: Let's have more parades. Bring everybody else home, too. Something like that. Nope.
Then the sportsing started up again and one team won and GI Echo drove us home. I couldn't get that damn commercial out of my head- or the one for Microsoft that showed a soldier participating in the birth of his child via Skype. There's a lot to be pissed about. I expected the blogosphere to be peppered with pitchforks and torches, but it actually took a bit of searching to find some. Here's a wee roundup:
It's offensive. Don Gomez, called out the ad as offensive and exploitative for using troops to sell beer with no message or call to action. He suggested that "If you want to do something for the military, do it quietly, without plastering your logo at the end."
Troops and alcohol, really? Then there's Philip Carter at Foreign Policy, whose article Bad Bud discusses concerns about the legal issues associated with the production of the ad and the complex relationship between servicemembers, alcohol, and PTSD.
They are using us. And Rae over at LeftFace had quite a bit to say about the ad as part of a larger trend of exploitation on the part of pretty much everyone, especially politicians and corporations, of military families, which is especially outrageous in the face of recent policies that reduce benefits for veterans and fail to address the growing mental health crisis.
Unrealistic. A quick poll of people I actually know revealed little in terms of outrage, but one friend expressed concern that giving people the idea that troops are welcomed by town-wide parades could leave the impression that veterans are regularly given the warmth and appreciation they deserve. Another said that many soldiers she knows came home to nothing but an empty barracks and not one single person greeting them at the homecoming. For these folks, some of them teenagers, there was no welcome at all.
Karen Francis in the Care2makeadifference blog talks about the harm of Reunion porn,
"If you watch our reunions, if you watch our farewells, those thirty second TV stories, with tears in your eyes — remember the other 364 days of the year that we need to work through. Don’t cry for us, reach out a hand and get to know us."
Little golden with the big brown eyes is cuddling next to me. She's not ours, but our buddy is having a gal's vaca someplace hot and tequila-fueled, so DH and I got to borrow her. She's just the best little working-at-home-helper ever.
The dog-sitting begs the question: does the Army have a puppy-crisis?
The stories are everywhere. My friend married just before a deployment and divorced just before he came home. His new/old wife gave his pitbull away before he returned to the USA. He was devastated. Short-term deployments, like vacations, mean having friends as awesome as us, boarding the pup, or trusting your roommate or significant other not to abandon them to the SPCA. Dog companions are almost as complex to manage as babies while being married to the military.
And look what I found: an organization called Dogs on Deployment with the express mission to help soldiers board their pets in the face of deployment and Permanent Change of Stations.
"Dogs on Deployment promotes responsible pet-ownership and the military-pet community by providing an online resource for military members to search for volunteers who are willing to board their pets while they're on deployment."
So the next time you're boxing up your life while Lassi watches, you can drop her off with us...or call in the Dog Deployment Cavalry!
So I Married an Army Guy, and then I learned that staying motivated to stay fit can be a challenge for many of us. Fitness is one of the major components of your partner's career, but sweating it up is important for the whole family- especially you. We know you know this- we've been reading the mainstream discussion groups and we get the listserv emails, too.
Without further rambling, here are the Five:
5. Active Hobbies are Portable, and So are You.
Think about what you've learned to like about your current living situation. What do your awesome container garden, your feminist book club, and your meaningful volunteer gig all have in common? They will take time to replace when you move! And what about your fitness regimen? Chances are good that you'll be able to find another CrossFit Box or upcoming race in your new community, and you can get started as soon as you get there. One of the great things about military communities is that you can pretty much count on some kind of a fitness culture to tap into. And of course, you don't need anything except a little bit of willpower to go for a walk or do a YouTube video.
4. Getting Moving Gets You Out There.
Running is a great way to get to know a new neighborhood. So is going to yoga class at a community center. And what about a fitness-themed Meetup group? Go to the free gym on post and talk to someone. Right now. You can read the rest of this post later. At the gym, there will be at least one other person who wants a friend, or at least knows where you can find a good cup of coffee. Again, unlike work or clubs or most volunteer opportunities, working out is an activity that you can do today, right now, that will put you around potential friends, or at least a bulletin board with networking opportunities. In fact, legend has it that two of your favorite progressive bloggers met on a running trail...at least that's what I heard. Want to make friends? Race them.
3. You Need to Chill Out.
Living with (or near) military culture can wreak havoc on your progressive nerves. The PX parking lot is full of guzzlers, most of which are adorned with intellectually bankrupt bumperstickers. The TV in the clinic waiting room is tuned into Faux Newz and the remote is nowhere to be found. The local spouses' social media page is crammed with poorly spelled posts about the evil big gubment- you know, the agency that employs most folks you both know. You have to deal with all this crap all day, and Rachel Maddow won't be on for another two hours. What to do with all your righteous fury? Vote, of course- but for now, why not take it out on the treadmill? Don't argue with idiots- race them.
2. It's Better Together
We heard somewhere that soldiers have to take a PT test- at least that's what our partners are telling us. One of the few parts of military life that's easy to live with is the built-in fitness regime! Many of us have found physical activity to be a great way to connect with our partners on a busy schedule (get your mind out of the gutter- we're talking about biking, running, and paintball.) As badasses, we've frequently been accused of being unsupportive partners (and worse) by the conservative kool-aid drinkers, which is total bullshit. We might not go to all the parades or whatever, but we definitely do our part for our soldiers by supporting their efforts to get ripped and beastly. Let's be honest- some of them need it. If those PT tests are stressing your partner out, it's time for some teamwork. Find something fun to do together that revs up your heart rate- and when you're done with that, you naughty minx, go work out together. Don't nag your partner- race her.
1. Badassery Takes Training
Look at you, kicking ass out there. You've been coping with moves, making new friends, blowing off the steam of righteous fury, and setting a solid example for your own partner. Maintaining your relationship and your sanity amid the stressors of military life takes a boatload of energy on a daily basis- and taking excellent care of yourself is the best long-term strategy we know of. You're going to get so good at this- but it might not happen by accident. Why take chances? Keeping up with yourself and being the strongest, fastest, and calmest you can be is not just a lifestyle- it's your mission.
So tell us, what exactly are you doing to kick ass and how is it working out for you?
The fun, quirky, moving (sometimes literally) illustrated graphic or video that plays on the Google Search homepage and showcases a daily date/person/theme/event in history.
Where would we be without the daily reminder of Daylight Savings Time (dang useful!) or the pure delight that came from the Claire Du Lune video graphic honoring Claude de Bussey? And today, one of my personal favorite radicals and role model: Harriet Tubman- with her candle-lantern raised aloft against the backdrop of a star-strewn Northern sky.
Feministe.us suggested Harriet Tubman as a Doodle honoree in 2010 in a post titled "Google Says the World was Made, Made Pretty by Men"...but who knows if the Google Doodler reads Shelby Knox?
Google, I’ve got some suggestions for you. What about Ada Lovelace, the woman who was the world’s first computer programer and, conveniently, has a whole day dedicated to her celebration? If the guy who created the first nuclear facility in China gets a doodle, Marie Curie certainly deserves one. If you honored the birth of realism, you should also honor the (flawed, yes) godmother of feminism, Mary Wollstonecraft. What about some of the women behind the great social movements in the United States, like Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks and Dorothy Height?
