"People who think this is the happiest day of their lives need better lives."

My wedding was not the happiest day of my life. I never expected it to be.
Kilo and I had a discussion about this just yesterday...that we never bought into the Wedding Industrial Complex's fantasy. We both always thought that women who lost their sh*t over their weddings; who were crushed by disappointment; who were traumatized by the emotional roller-coaster of family, friends, logistics...that these were the women who were fixated with dress up bridal barbie and Disney's Cindarella wedding planning manual. In short, getting-married-females with unrealistic expectations.

Both of us manage severely budgeted events for non-profits. Both of us wanted our weddings to have meaningful ceremonies and fun parties. Nothing crazy. Nothing formal. Just us. With friends/families/food & drink. In short, realistic expectations.
BAM!
Family drama.
BAM!
Dick caterers.
BAM! BAM!
Direct quote from Kilo-at-the-reception: "People who think this is the happiest day of their lives need better lives."

Weddings are, however, teachable moments. Learning experiences. There was meaning in each of our wedding experiences; golden moments, precious and exhilarating. Dare I say, just as we experience living, or trying to, while married to the military.

My lover has a saying about Army life. That is comes down to "embracing the SUCK." Sounds dirty, eh? The meaning isn't dirty. Embracing the suck means making the best of bad circumstances. Stop whining and do your sh*t. STFU already and get on with it. Do what you can do in the face of an uncontrollable life.
For the women we are, this is a really difficult practice.

We're professionals. We've learned what makes us happy and what makes us miserable, and in the face of misery, we've learned to change the circumstances to create happiness. Move to a better environment. Get a different job. Get an advanced degree. Live alone. Rent out rooms and live with friends. Throw weekly parties. Start a radical book club. Own a car. Exercise daily. Bike commute. Form an alumni group/book club/social movement and make friends. Break-up with toxic friends and uninspiring dates. CHANGE.

When we married, we gave up the ability to go it alone. To change as often as we wanted or as much as we could. The wedding itself was an indicator of that. Yes, I experienced joy and killjoys. Yes, real life took away some of the fun that I had hoped to have at my wedding. Yes, I was totally overwhelmed at the reality of the commitment and the logistics of the party; emotionally, financially, and even physically. But I am learning. I embrace the suck of the wedding. I put it in the past and I make peace with the death of the Happily Ever Wedding.

Next year, maybe he an I will throw an anniversary party. Go to a museum, drink some booze, and wear fancy clothes. Maybe we'll even invite our parents and siblings and grandmothers. Maybe we'll take our wedding back from the suck.

Maybe, yes. Se puede!

Top 10 Things Every Army-Bride-to-Be Ought to Know...and Why

Why? Because we freakin' <3 lists. And because we wish we'd known all of this all anywhere from 1-60 months ago. Being raised by hippie feminists, educated by women's colleges and women's studies classes, informed by Jezebel.com, cultured by big cities and traveling the globe creates well-rounded individuals. One might even say round pegs for the square hole of the US Armed Forces. And yeah, we had a couple o'gaps in our zeitgeist that we hope we can help you with.

and goes there...and then over there...

In no particular order:

1. A is for Alpha, N is for November, P is for Papa, V is for Victor...one needs to know the Military Alpha-Bravo, I mean, Alphabet. Why? Because no-one will be able to spell your (new) *mutually hyphenated* last name in the Army without using it and you will look like a tool if you can't do the same. Here's a hot tip. Get on Netflix.com TM or Hulu.com TM and watch The Dollhouse. All the Dolls have call-signs in the Military Alphabet; NOVEMBER sex plots + Joss Whedon = LEARNING! Or download this Militaryspot.com article on the formula and history of the Military Alphabet to your Smart House touch-screen wall and have it follow you around reciting itself. Whichever works for you. 
2. Crest 3D Whitestrips TM really work. And no, I'm not a corporate whore. Drink water- in fact, start the day with a giant travel cup of Jasmine Green tea (steeped 10-12 minutes). Exfoliate often but be gentle with your skin. Find a moisturizer you love and use it EVERY night on your face and neck. Or as often as you can manage. Moisturizing your face at night is important to the future of the planet... or at the very least, the ability to have male clerks in most stores within 10 miles of Post goggle and look visibly shocked when they find out you're 10 years older than 23. With no make-up on. Wear confidence instead of make-up, do push-ups when you're feeling down, and when you need an ego-boost go out on the town with no bra in a t-shirt and watch the strangers drool with lust and envy.
   Now whose scared of walking down an aisle in front of people who already love you? Damn right, nobody. You're welcome. 
3. Consider getting married before your wedding. We did a poll and 97% of all military couples we spoke to were legally married before they had a wedding. Now for full disclosure that's a sample size of 3 plus a >3% margin of error. So yeah, we all did it. Not a one of us planned to have two wedding "dates"...and where Bravo thinks of her wedding date as her anniversary, Kilo thinks of the marriage date as the anniversary. One of us is in the closet about it. Why? Because families are strange. Oh, why did we get married before we got married? Simple.
   Continued after the jump »