Thursday, December 19, 2013

Snark the Halls: Baking Edition

I don't know if this is a milspouse issue or just a function of the huge cloud of clark griswold that establishes itself over my head for like 6 weeks each winter, but every year, the gift list gets longer.  So long, in fact, that the overwhelming nature of it f ed up my judgement such that it seemed like a good idea to bake some cookies.  You know, to give people.  More after the jump...

I would say this is a badass-applicable milspouse thing because:  stereotypes, moving and making new friends, extra parties, and budgets:  DIY cookies cost less than a $12 box of those hazelnut chocolates that impress the pants off everyone even though your thoughtless procrastinating ass bought them on the way to the event.  Anyway, baking.

So there I was, baking some cookies.  Not stuffing our holiday card envelopes (I know), not writing my speech that's in a few days, in public (I know), not working on the craft projects that are supposed to count as "gifts" some time next week.

At least, I was trying to bake cookies.  I do not know how.  My oven kept turning the perfectly good cookie dough into gnarly mutant slabs of mocking chocolate punishment.  So I asked for help on FB because my friends are totally rad and I figured somebody would drive out here and bail my ass out.

Well, instead I was thrown this bone:  Top 8 Tips on Preventing Cookies from Spreading.  Is it okay that the title sounds a little naughty to me?  Yes, it is.

Let's read it together, shall we?  That way, I can compensate for my crushing sense of failure by snarking.

First of all, it turns out that the oven-mutation process is called spreading.  Fantastic.  That explains why I couldn't figure out WTF was going on via google.  Not that I googled.  Just saying,

Also first of all, judging (harshly) from the photos, there's no way I'm trying hard enough in the first place for this lady's expertise to count for jack shit.  I mean, it's like those articles that are all about how to get your sane, perfectly well behaved dog to start juggling milk bones or whatever.  My dog is no closer to that level of training than I am- getting either of us to sit still is a gnarly chore these days.

PS I burnt the cookies while reading the 8 tips.

Onto the useless tips:

1.  Um, I already put baking powder into the dough.  Like, a long time ago.  Too late.  Next tip, smartass.

2.  Oven temperature.  You've gotta be kidding me.  Being the right temperature is the oven's job, not mine.  I have better things to do than grab some fukada oven safe thermometer and do the oven's job for it.  I mean I might as well just try to bake the cookies myself and leave the oven out entirely...actually, who doesn't like cookie dough?  GI Echo would definitely squash that idea...

3.  Incorporating too much air.  Most ridiculous tip so far.  I have no idea what she's even talking about.

4.  Correct measurements.  Nope.  "Baking is like a science..."  Nope, analyzing content of positive and negative blog comments is like a science.  Baking actually is a science and I cannot be bothered with that shit.  There are no bunsen burners in the people's kitchen.

5.  Butter.  This lady is like obsessed with butter.  She may be one of my former co-workers.  TS, butter lady, I use coconut oil and it's better for the cows.

6.  Baking sheets.  THICKNESS?  FFS I cannot spend all goddamned day measuring baking sheets.  I'm busy watching portlandia.

The other tips are all blah blah blah parchment paper etc.  I seriously became exhausted just reading it and will have to cancel my tour due to exhaustion.

Since I gave you guys a link, I will just fill in the last two tips myself.

7.  Reconsider baking.  You can just eat the dough and try some other recipe, like bark or whatever, that does not involve baking.  Actually, maybe you should...

8.  GTF out of the kitchen and find some other option for your broke ass to DIY for folks.  I mean, if you don't know how to bake, you can't expect to learn in time for your gifts to not suck.  Seriously there are like a dozen things that are easier to learn than accepting the fact that a beautiful card with a sentimental note is a perfectly acceptable gift for whoever you were planning to sic those "cookies" on.  

So pour a drink and grab a's going to be a long night but at least nothing's burning.

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